Aberham Lincoln (February 12, 1809 – April 15, 1865) was the founder of the Republican Party and the 16th President of the United States. He is best remembered for winning the Civil War and abolishing slavery. He tirelessly fought against liberals until his assassination in 1865.
Early Life Edit
Aberham Lincoln was born in Kentucky and was friends with a squirrel growing up, but with a gleam in his eye he always dreamed of making it big. He was ultra bright so it wasnt hard for him to execl. He moved to Illinois and soon experienced corruption for the first time just like everyone does when they go to Chicago. After seeing slaves he decided slavery was WRONG and formed the Republican Party in his aim to stop it, even though he also knew that it wasnt really much different then just being someones butler and people make too big a deal out of it. A free market solution couldve stopped it just as well also but whatever. He also founded Lincoln, Nebraska and invented Lincoln logs, after which he became an A-lister in every place he went, but he cared about more then just being a celebrity so he decided to enter politics, following in the footsteps of Ronald Reagan.
Lincoln soon became the Democrats worst nightmare when he gave his speeches that told people that liberal principals such as slavery were WRONG. They decided to try every dirty trick in the book to keep him from being President, but there smeer tactics didnt work and Lincoln reached greater and greater heights until he was elected the first Republican President. Immediately, he gave the Gettysburg address which enacted the 13th Commandment and abolished slavery. The Democrats then used Article I of the Confederacy to seduce from the Union and form there own country. This meant war.
"Are Forefathers seven years ago decided that all men are created equal. They then wrote the great novella The Declaration of Independents with the moral: Be excellent to each other and party on dudes."
Civil War Edit
After establishing the Confederacy the Southern states all moved to close off there borders from anyone who wasnt local. Gates were locked and towns were closed off. When Lincoln sent the army to get some personal items from Fort Sumter, troops fired on them for trespassing. Dont wanna get shot dont break into peoples forts its pretty simple. In response, at General Ulysses S. Grants signal, the Union unleashed Hell. Lincoln immediately suspended Habeus Corpus and put the people who were giving aid and comfort to the enemy in prison. Even if it meant a dent in personal rights Lincoln knew that national security was more important then liberty, as Ben Franklin once said. There the prisoners would be subject to sleep deprivation, waterboreding and other techniques which proved invaluable. Soon General Grant was able to discover the location of the Confederacy. General William Sherman then went Super Saiyan and single handedly burned down the whole South. A crestfallen Robert E. Lee officially surrendered, but other rednecks did NOT. By the way I like how we can say rednecks but we cant say the N word. Double standards anyone? So at Appamatox Lincoln extended Lee his arm and hammered out an agreement whereby the South would return to the Union and stop having slavery but in return they would still get to treat colored people as subhumans for the next century. Lee agreed and the war ended right there. A breath was collectively sighed by the Union because we really wanted the South back, because a lot of great Independents lived there.
Like a typical liberal, John Wilks Booth couldnt stand a Republican being in charge. These guys only care about "there team" and they will try anything to get the other team out of power even if its against there own self interest, as much as it defies common sense. Odd I know, but thats how they are. So when Lincoln took his wife to a movie Booth shot him in the back of the head, killing him instantly. Lincoln was declared dead. He never recovered.
Aberham Lincoln is remembered as one of are greatest presidents along with Washington, Reagan and W. Bush. He invented Civil Rights which made us all equal (Tell Mexicans this doesnt apply to them so stay out of Arizona) and since he gave Blacks rights there are equals now and they should stop complaining. Yet any one of them who agree with that are considered Uncle Toms. Of main acheivements, he won the Civil War, delivering a blow to liberals that was so hard that all of Philadelphia felt it. Most importantly, he invented the Republican Party which today is the only party that is smart because unlike Democrats there Independent.